My blog articles

The importance of improving your self-worth

Understanding Forgiveness

Our process (may be different if you’re already working with a therapist and JUST need the lie detector test): 1. Couples and individual sessions to discuss process, what to expect, and how to prepare 2. Offending partner completes sexual history including important partner questions 3. Betrayed partner reads through unanswered sexual history questions and creates questions to include in the test and gives them to spouse 4. Lie detector test (incorporating partner questions) 5. Disclosure (only if lie detector test is passed, review sexual history and questions with partner, 2+ hour session) 6. Follow up sessions include Impact letter (betrayed partner), restitution letter (offending partner) and recommitment ceremony (in time) Why use lie detector tests? · Shorten the time frame of the recovery process · Have a more accurate method of detecting deception in order to move past gaslighting and game playing · Increase honesty around acting out behavior. It’s a way to help the client break through denial about the problem or the extent of the problem and its effects on them and others · It provides information necessary to make important decisions about the relationship · Validate the spouse’s feelings about what’s going on · Helps create an environment of suffering, pain, and acceptance that is a necessary part of developing safety, empathy, and rebuilding trust · Increases sense of self-worth as they come to understand they are still loved despite what they’ve done · Sense of accomplishment that they shared what they always believed they couldn’t When to use them · Whenever there has been dishonesty, minimizing, justifying, or gaslighting behavior in the relationship, even if it was just a little · When the offending partner(s) is resistant and struggles to take the process seriously · When there has been a staggered (in pieces) disclosure or sharing of information · When the addict only shares a minimum of information once caught and confronted, but not on their own When not to use them · It’s a matter of how you feel about it more than any particular indicator · When there is trust in the relationship and a history of sharing and openness What to be aware of · If the lie detector test is passed, do the disclosure as soon as you can (within a few days) · If the lie detector test is passed and there is significant new information for the spouse, have a prep session between you and the betrayed partner where the new information is shared, giving them time to process in preparation for the disclosure · If there are certain behaviors that have ultimatums that the lie detector test will reveal, the betrayed partner will often need to be prepared which may include the following: o better understanding of the nature of addiction o have a time frame (usually 90 days) with an agreement that no decision will be made to end the relationship, despite what they’ve learned from the polygraph o A therapeutic separation may be a good option · Have the understanding that there will be no disclosure if the lie detector test is failed. I encourage them to retake it again in a month with more therapy, at which point another failure may terminate the disclosure/recovery process · Prepare for follow up maintenance lie detector tests every 6 months or so to ensure continued honesty until spouse feels they are unnecessary

Anxiety is the body’s way of preparing us for something that it perceives is a threat, or something that’s going to be hard or painful. This can be beneficial and prepare us for dangerous or life-threatening situations. However, these signals that something is wrong can get exaggerated and “stuck”, in a sense, making us feel like something scary is happening or coming when there’s no actual threat. Think of a guard dog that starts attacking the mailman or barking at your grandmother. He’s associated danger with things that aren’t actually dangerous, and when you mind does this, it puts your body in a state of stress when it doesn’t need to be. Some strong feelings come before our thinking, and some strong feelings are strengthened by and come because of our thinking. We want to become better at managing both kinds. Strong feelings that come before thinking are about managing the body, while strong feelings that come after are more about managing our thinking patterns or habits. We’ll learn how to do both to consistently chang how you respond to life and consequently, how you feel. Long-term self-care Commit to employing the following into your daily routines: · Anxiety journal: record when and under what circumstances you suffer from anxiety · Sleep: what’s the amount of sleep you need? Are you getting it? · Diet: garbage in, garbage out. Make sure your diet matches what your brain/body needs to take care of itself (fruits, vegetables, natural food, eliminate caffeine, preservatives, sugars, etc.) · Exercise: daily exercise that increases your heart rate and takes at least 20 minutes · Meditation: make sure you’re learning and practicing some form of mindfulness and meditation daily (quite time pondering, yoga, etc.) Short-term self-care · Feelings are fluid! Focus on how feelings change – think about what your feelings will be when you feel better again. It helps to write down the expected changes. For example, if you’re anxious or nervous about a coming talk or presentation, imagine what you expect your feelings will be when you start to feel better again. Thing about what the very first little sign might be that those changes in feelings are happening, such as speaking more spontaneously or beginning to smile more during the presentation. Remember, feelings are fluid and will inevitably change – simply imagine the change that will be taking place before it happens. · Chew it over and act normal! Anxiety is a survival response that can go wrong and hinder more than it helps. It senses a threat that may not be there. In order to train anxiety to be selective and monitor itself, you want to send the message that it’s not needed in the moment and can take a break. If you act in a way that you wouldn’t during a real emergency, you can help break the stress response cycle. Things you normally wouldn’t do in a real emergency include talking softly and calmly, smiling, salivating, breathing deeply (longer exhale than inhale), or have an open body posture. Doing any of these things during anxiety or panic attacks or at the beginning of stress can take the body out of anxiety by sending the message that things are okay. Something as simple as chewing gum (salivating) or even imagining chewing gum can cause this change to take place, and a combination of more than one of these things will certainly break the cycle. · Ask yourself what you’re afraid of when anxious and use “then what?” to question yourself back to things being okay. For example, if you’re anxious about a talk, ask yourself what the fear is and then ask what would happen then until there’s nothing left to be afraid of. For example, if I’m preparing for a talk and I’m anxious, I can ask what I’m afraid of. Maybe the answer is what people will think if I mess up. Then ask yourself “And what would people think if I messed up?” Well, they’d think I wasn’t prepared or wasn’t accomplished or whatever it is. Again, ask “Then what?” until there’s nothing left but life returning to normal, which isn’t scary at all. Catch the underlying assumption and chase down the logical conclusions. · Heighten Awareness of your emotions by identifying what you are feeling. Doing this can help you recognize that you are not the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. They are simply that: feelings, thoughts, and emotions. But they aren't you. If you can recognize how you are feeling, acknowledge it, and then realize they are not you, you are more able to let them go. · Breath purposefully and intentionally, slowing your breaths down to 4 seconds in then 4 seconds out (or what feels best). Clear your thoughts and when thoughts come, just notice them with a simple “hmmm” and go back to focusing on your breath. Do this for one minute several times a day, like when you’re waiting for the microwave, waiting in line or traffic, etc. Start here and work your way up to 5 and 10 minutes at a time. · Mindful awareness (focus shifting): By shifting awareness back and forth several times between what's going on in your body and what's going on around you, you learn in a physical way that you can control what aspects of your world--internal or external—you’ll notice. This gives you an internal locus of control – when you can ignore physical sensations, you can stop making the catastrophic interpretations that actually bring on panic or worry. o Close your eyes and breathe, noticing the body, how the intake of air feels, how the heart beats, what sensations you have in the gut, etc. o With your eyes still closed, purposefully shift your awareness away from your body to everything you can hear or smell or feel through your skin. · Practice Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself. Look at yourself and the situation and see it as it really is. This does not mean to condone or agree with bad behavior in others. It means to stop trying to change what’s happened by getting angry and blaming the situation. Refocus your attention on what you can do now. This will allow you to think more clearly and figure out a better way to cope with your suffering. · Do progressive muscle relaxation where you tense your muscle groups one group at a time, starting with your extremities. Go in order: hands, forearms, biceps, then feet, calves, thighs, bottom, stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, face, and head. Hold each tensely for 20 seconds, then take a deep breath and relax your muscles on the exhale. Follow with 2 more deep, cleansing breaths before you move on to the next muscle group. Repeat the entire process if necessary. When finished, pair this deeply relaxed state you’ve achieved with a color, image, and word (i.e., blue, calm surface of a lake, and the word “calm”). This strengthens associations with muscle relaxation and makes it easier to cue the sensation at will. · Don't Listen! The feeling of dread is just the emotional manifestation of physical tension. Worry is a habit with a neurobiological underpinning. Even if you aren’t particularly worried about anything, an anxiety-prone brain can create a sense of doom which then causes hypervigilance as you try to figure out what's wrong, assuming there must be something! To stop listening to that command to worry, tell yourself "It's just my anxious brain firing wrong." This is your cue: begin relaxation breathing and decrease tension by combining your decision to ignore the voice of worry with a cue for the relaxation state (like using the word “calm”). · Knowing and not showing anger: The key to relieving anxiety caused by anger is to decrease your sense of tension and stress while raising the consciousness of anger so that it can be dealt with. Simply being able to feel and admit to anger and to begin working on how to safely express it diminishes anxiety. To know you're angry doesn't require you to show you're angry. The next time you’re stricken with anxiety, immediately sit down and write as many answers as possible to this question, "If I were angry, what might I be angry about?" Restrict your answers to single words or brief phrases. · Have a little fun and act on impulse! Spending time with children, enjoying a popular comedy, spending time with a group of friends, etc. Bring examples of doing something impulsively and relearning how to have fun. Laughter is one of the best medicines for tension and anxiety. · Turning it off and clearing space. From Eugene Gendlin's Focusing method comes the concept of "clearing space" to turn off and quiet the ruminative mind. Sit quietly with eyes closed and focus on an image of an open container ready to receive every issue on your mind. Name each issue or worry and imagine putting it into the container. When no more issues come to mind, "put a lid" on the container and place it on a shelf or in some other out of the way place until you need to go back to get something from it. Once the jar is on the shelf, invite into the space left in your mind whatever is the most important current thought or feeling. Perhaps you’re at work and need to think about a work-related issue, or you need to shop and plan what you’ll buy, or you’re with friends and want to focus on what they're saying. At night, right before sleep, invite a peaceful thought to focus on while drifting off. · Thought-stopping/ thought-replacing: every time you have a thought that ruminates unnecessarily on something negative have a replacement thought that challenges the negative thought. The key is persistence – replace this negative thought every time you need to, even if it’s 1,000 times a day. Don’t quit until it’s working, because it will! · Replace worrying with planning. This includes: (1) concretely identifying a problem; (2) listing the problem-solving options; (3) picking one of the options; and (4) writing out a plan of action. You must also have learned to apply the thought-stopping/thought-replacing tools, or you’ll turn planning into endless cycles of replanning. The plan becomes part of the thought-stopping statement, "Stop! I have a plan!" · Worry well once: set 10 minutes aside to worry about a particular problem covering all possible solutions and scenarios. You’d be surprised how much you can cover in 10 minutes. Follow these steps: (1) worry through all the issues; (2) do anything that must be done at the present time; (3) set a time when it'll be necessary to think about the worry again; (4) write that time on a calendar; and (5) whenever the thought pops up again, say, "Stop! I already worried!" and divert your thoughts as quickly as possible to another activity. · Take your shoes off and concentrate on feeling the ground beneath your feet. Walk around and pay attention to what it feels like. · Get your body moving with a simple exercise that works, such as taking a walk or standing and stretching and pay attention to how every part of you feels when you’re doing this. · Distract with Activities (Go out to eat, play a game, watch a movie etc), Contributing (Help a friend, call someone to say hi, do something thoughtful), Pushing Away (Leave the situation mentally, notice the ruminating thoughts and yell NO!, refuse to think about painful situations, put the pain on the shelf for now), With other thoughts (Count to 10, count colors in a painting, count anything, do a puzzle, repeat words to a song in your mind), With other sensations (Squeeze a rubber ball very hard, listen to loud music, hold ice in your hand or mouth, take a hot or cold shower) · Self-Soothing using your FIVE SENSES: Vision: Look at pictures, make a space or room pleasing to look at, look at nature around you, browse through a store looking at things. Hearing: Listen to soothing sounds or music, sing a favorite song etc. Smell: Use a favorite soap, shampoo, perfume etc, burn a scented candle, open the window and smell the air. Taste: Eat a favorite food, treat yourself to a dessert, suck on candy, chew your favorite gum etc. Touch: Soak your feet, get a massage, sink into a comfortable chair, rock in a rocking chair, hug someone, wrap up in a blanket. · Tip the temperature of your face with cold water. Holding your breath, put your face in a bowl or tub of cold water (Keep water above 50 degrees), or hold a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks. Hold for 20 seconds (or however long is comfortable for you without causing you problems). This causes the "Dive response" to occur. Your heart rate slows down, blood flow is redirected to the brain and heart. This is helpful when you're having strong, distressing emotions. Distress Tolerance Helps 1- Heighten Awareness of your emotions by identifying what you are feeling. Doing this can help you recognize that you are not the feelings and emotions you are experiencing. They are simply that: feelings, thoughts, and emotions. But they aren't you. If you can recognize how you are feeling, acknowledge it, and then realize they are not you, you are more able to let them go. 2-Paced Breathing (pace your breathing by slowing it down): Breathe deep into your belly. Slow your pace of inhaling and exhaling way down (On average, five to six breaths per minute). Breathe out more slowly than you breathe in (for example, 5 seconds in and 7 seconds out). 3- Practice Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge your present situation, whatever it is, without judging the events or criticizing yourself. Look at yourself and the situation and see it as it really is. This does not mean to condone or agree with bad behavior in others. It means to stop trying to change what’s happened by getting angry and blaming the situation. Refocus your attention on what you can do now. This will allow you to think more clearly and figure out a better way to cope with your suffering. 4-Go for a walk 5-Paired muscle relaxation: While breathing into your belly deeply, tense your body muscles (not so much as to cause cramps or pain). Notice the tension in your body. While breathing out, say the word "relax" in your mind. Let go of the tension. Notice the difference in your body. 6-Do a containment exercise in your mind. Whatever is bothering you...whether it's a thought, image, sensation, or emotion, close your eyes and imagine yourself putting it inside some sort of container of your choosing (A safe, box, barrel etc.) to be addressed later. Imagine locking it away with the thought that you can work on it later. . And you can lock it up and fortify it however you want in your mind. Maybe you put a fictional character in charge of keeping it stored away for you etc. This isn’t an avoidance strategy, this is more a healthy distraction until you’re ready to address the problem with a trusted support person or a counselor 7-Distract with Activities (Go out to eat, play a game, watch a movie etc), Contributing (Help a friend, call someone to say hi, do something thoughtful), Pushing Away (Leave the situation mentally, notice the ruminating thoughts and yell NO!, refuse to think about painful situations, put the pain on the shelf for now), With other thoughts (Count to 10, count colors in a painting, count anything, do a puzzle, repeat words to a song in your mind), With other sensations (Squeeze a rubber ball very hard, listen to loud music, hold ice in your hand or mouth, take a hot or cold shower) 8-Self Soothing using your FIVE SENSES: Vision: Look at pictures, make a space or room pleasing to look at, look at nature around you, browse through a store looking at things. Hearing: Listen to soothing sounds or music, sing a favorite song etc. Smell: Use a favorite soap, shampoo, perfume etc, burn a scented candle, open the window and smell the air. Taste: Eat a favorite food, treat yourself to a dessert, suck on candy, chew your favorite gum etc. Touch: Soak your feet, get a massage, sink into a comfortable chair, rock in a rocking chair, hug someone, wrap up in a blanket. 9-Tip the temperature of your face with cold water. Holding your breath, put your face in a bowl or tub of cold water (Keep water above 50 degrees), or hold a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks. Hold for 20 seconds (or however long is comfortable for you without causing you problems). This causes the "Dive response" to occur. Your heart rate slows down, blood flow is redirected to the brain and heart. This is helpful when you're having strong, distressing emotions.

For the spouse of someone struggling with addiction (or a number of other problems), it’s important to understand how to best help them. Remember that these things are only effective if you choose to do them. You do not HAVE to! You have options and choices and being a part of their recovery process is completely up to you. If you choose to help them, the following steps will support this process. Please understand, their addiction is not your fault. It’s about them, not you! First, understand that the problem is their shame or feeling not good enough. Shame manifests through hurtful or harmful behavior out of fear of not being good enough. Unfortunately for them, they won’t even recognize this is what’s happening. Their fear that they aren’t enough is making them avoid any situation (including negative feelings) that reaffirm they aren’t enough. In other words, most of their negative behavior is to avoid the pain of being worthless and unlovable. They are making most of their decisions based on subconscious fears (learn more from Choosing Clarity). This can lead to hurtful and harmful behaviors that seem far removed from their shame but really aren’t. To help them we need to focus on increasing their sense of self-worth to combat the shame (and not just attempt to limit the behaviors that demonstrate their shame). The good news is that we can! The bad news is that we can’t give them something we don’t have. To Do! 1. Understand and accept that we are all human beings, not human doings, and our worth and value does not depend on what we do (or how well we do it) or what’s happened to us. This counts for you too! This means that we are all worthy of love, no matter what we’ve done or what we’ve been through. Their hurtful or harmful actions are a reflection of their own perceived value, not actual value. 2. Understand and address your own shame issues and how you feel about yourself. Are you feeling too much pain around their offensive thoughts, attitudes and behaviors? What do you believe their behaviors say about you? Are your beliefs accurate? Are you safe in knowing who you are? 3. Understand that love and trust are two separate things and loving someone does not mean trusting them. It means you will do certain things for them because you love them but you will also keep yourself safe if you don’t trust them, up to and including stepping out of their life. 4. Do your best to increase your own sense of self-worth. This includes journaling, mindfulness, strengthening your relationship to your Higher Power, having values and principles you know and live by, developing and demonstrating loving kindness for yourself, understanding your whole story, working through childhood trauma (EMDR), therapy (self, group), self-help books, etc. 5. Love them! Even if they are hurting you! Identify when they are acting from a place of shame with hurtful thoughts, attitudes, and behavior and invite them to love themselves because you love them. Loving them means you do not criticize, show contempt, or intentionally hurt them because you’re hurting. However, there’s an important disclaimer here: THIS DOES NOT MEAN you allow behavior that puts you at physical risk and it does not mean you trust them when they’re not trustworthy or have sex just because they want to when you don’t feel emotionally close to them. You need to maintain your boundaries and take time and space when they are hurting you. However, you maintain a love for WHO they are, not for what they’re doing, and this is the best way for you to invite them to change. Give them hope that they are more than what they think they are. However, you may still need to step out of their life if their behavior is harmful enough, and that’s okay. 6. Show this love consistently! Talk with them daily about these things (trust discussions, time together) and maintain your love throughout the process knowing you are yourself lovable and can walk away from the relationship at any time. Don’t wait for them to act lovable first. This maintains your integrity and increases your own sense of self-worth. 7. Differentiate hurtful from harmful behavior. Hurtful behavior is behavior that hurts your feelings, while harmful behavior causes more serious harm and requires more immediate attention. Accept that in the process of recovery there will be significant hurtful behavior while you choose to love them and they come to better understand their own worth. However, harmful behavior requires boundaries that may include limits, restrictions, time and space, separation, and divorce.

What can we really do? 1.Pray for them and for the principles of divine intervention in their life: a.Soften hearts, strength, raise someone up, lead them away or remove the problem 2.Love them! Take your frustrations to the Lord and your love to your child 3.Set an example and demonstrate the things that are important (modeling) 4.Set boundaries (what YOU’RE going to do) and follow through on consequences, up to and including letting them go when necessary a.ACT model of limit setting i.Acknowledge the feeling ii.Communicate the limit iii.Target the alternative 5.Teach them (to their willingness to be taught) 6.Have more positive interactions than negative! Parenting principles: Understand there are two separate programs – love and trust Parenting is letting go – transferring responsibility for their life onto them as they demonstrate the ability and willingness to accept it Be willing to work hard and to suffer in order to do well as a parent Regulate your own emotions! Go from physical or emotional reactivity to rational and loving responses Spend time with your children Be consistent! Remain hopeful – you’re only one player on the team and their story ends well! Some will only learn by the things that they suffer and that’s okay. Finding meaning in suffering is the purpose of life! Teach that self-worth is 100% and independent of what they do (we’re human beings, not human doings). Differentiate between consequences of choices and punishment for being bad and remind them often of who they are Reward effort, not if something is “good” or not The loving thing to do is always the responsible thing You’ll never carry out the Lord’s program in the devil’s way. How you teach responsibility is just as important as teaching responsibility! Don’t be held hostage by their lost opportunities, maintain your boundaries Trust = be where you say you’re going to be, doing what you say you’re going to be doing, and it’s earned, not given out of love (two separate programs) Don’t expect what you’re unwilling to inspect (reward follows, doesn’t come before out of ease for you) Let the natural consequences take effect (don’t keep them from the full effects of their choices) Age appropriate, according to the offense (bounce the idea off someone else) Invite and encourage vs. force and coercion Differentiate between fair (what’s appropriate) and equal (the same) You need a parenting program for each child – one size does not fit all! Ignore (extinction) age-typical behavior that’s not hurting them, others, or property and reinforce positive behavior often (catch them doing well) Talking to children and dealing with pornography When it comes to pornography, follow these principles: Nurture a trusting, close relationship with your child! Less criticism and more love and acceptance. This is the foundation and cannot be substituted. Start the discussions early and have them fairly often and in everyday opportunities. Identify what pornography is (bad pictures with little or no clothes) and teach these steps when they see bad pictures: Call it what it is – “That’s a bad picture!” Turn it off or turn away Talk to parents or a trusted adult Give themselves a high-five for a good job Prepare them and role play possible scenarios and what to do. Tell it like it is. It is important to call things as they are and explain words and phrases in age-appropriate ways. Talk about babies and procreation in this context. Talk to girls too. Girls and boys are both curious and pornography is a problem for both. Normalize their curiosity. Don’t make them to feel badly for having interest in it. Ask them what they think they should do as opposed to telling them. Teach them their worth and the power of the Atonement to feel better. It is important to understand that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help them to heal and feel clean again. Monitor and have rules around internet use and devices If a habit develops, children and teenagers often turn to pornography out of an inability to productively cope with negative emotions. Parents should teach children that both good and bad emotions are normal and it is okay to experience negative feelings such as sadness, anger, frustration, or hurt. Understand that seeing porn or bad pictures creates a sick feeling – and you want to be there and support them in this feeling, just as if they are physically sick. This is an opportunity to teach them who they are, not show disgust for what they’ve done. Take these opportunities to teach your children about good and bad touch and who can touch them in their private areas (those areas covered by underwear). Also, what do they do if this happens? Books on this include Your Body Belongs to You (Cornelia Spelman) and Do You Have a Secret? (Jennifer Moore-Mallinos). What not to do if you learn your child is looking at porn: Overact! It’s not the end of the world and is actually necessary for growth. Diminish their worth by associating their attitudes or behavior with who they are Fail to consistently follow-up and talk about how they’re doing, including getting professional help if necessary. Additional resources include: Kristen Jensen’s book Good Pictures/Bad Pictures is a great resource for parents to read to children in the 6-8 age range. www.educateempowerkids.org also has some great resources for talking to children about porn/ human sexuality as they age www.protectyoungeyes.com has updated reviews of various apps so that parents can be informed about what apps are on their children’s devices. www.fightthenewdrug.org has wonderful articles about the harmful effects of porn. This site is more appropriate for teenage children.

Of all the things in life that have a tendency to set our trajectory or path, our ability to respond instead of react when things go south is an important skill. It's been said that all problems can be overcome through discipline. If that's true, learning to discipline our emotions will solve many of our problems. Unfortunately, we tend to react instead of respond and let our emotions rule our decisions instead of mindfully deciding what we should do. And although this is a long and often difficult process to change our ways of handling difficult circumstances, it all starts rather simply: we need to first understand and realize that we have a CHOICE. We actually have options and can choose what we do! While for many this is rather obvious, you'd be surprised how powerless we often feel, almost as if how we've always acted is our only option for how we will continue to act. This simply isn't true and we need to take our power back. You and I and everyone, when confronted with anything from spilled milk to addiction triggers, from someone cutting us off in traffic to a loved one ignoring us or rebuffing our advances, GET TO DECIDE how we're going to respond. Between every stimulus and response is a space where we can exercise our right and ability to choose what we're going to do. And while this is only the start of an often long and difficult process of disciplining and managing our emotions, you need to know that it's possible and you CAN DO IT! So make the commitment and roll your sleeves up. It'll be worth every effort : )

Overcoming pornography and masturbation consists of 4 main things: Understanding your true self-worth, removing porn as an option in your life, making new habits and staying productive, and accountability with loved ones. If you find that you’re not able to follow these steps, you won’t succeed. Motivation is often the greatest challenge – how badly do you want a new life? Understanding your true self-worth Overcoming addiction means overcoming your fears of not being good enough or life not being good enough. This comes as you understand your own self-worth. Since you don’t know who you are until you know whose you are, this requires an intimate relationship with your Higher Power. He is the one who determines your worth and meets all of your emotional needs, not your spouse or anyone else. This is accomplished through prayer, meditation, study and gratitude. Removing porn and masturbation as an option You will only be able to go long periods of time without porn when watching porn and masturbation are no longer options in your life. Those who have this mindset live as if porn didn't exist. You have to be OK with the idea that you will never watch porn again in your life. Ever. Having a journal (accountability) is absolutely crucial as you track your emotions, thoughts, and observations. Making new habits and staying productive To break a habit you need to make a habit. Overcoming porn is much deeper than simply quitting certain behavior; it’s about creating a new life. You have to live life on purpose, which means becoming passionate about good things and being engaged in healthy activities. This includes all areas of your life – physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual. You must learn to embrace discomfort and pain with the goal of learning from it. Meditation, relationships, service, and other activities are essential. You must be up and about! By doing this, your weakness becomes your strength and this problem becomes the pathway to a healthier, more compassionate, more understanding life. It will transform you into something higher and better than you could have been without it. Accountability with loved ones You need support to get through this and learn what you need to learn. It is fear that says you can do it on your own because you don't want to have to rely or be vulnerable with others. It takes courage that many can't find to truly recover, but love demands the effort. Maintain daily trust discussions about your thoughts and feelings and challenges. And remain completely honest, with faith and confidence that your self-worth is set and unchangeable and you’re safe - you have a place and you will always belong.